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5 Steps To Avoid Being Forever Alone

   Being single has a lot of perks. Freedom being the first on the list. You can do whatever you want without having to consider someone else's feelings. You can stop showering for days on end, live in a pigsty, drool in your sleep, not wear pants, and binge on donuts until you look like a waddling bathtub.. and no one will judge you for it. No one that matters, that is. It's easy to ignore people's opinions when they don't mean much to you. 

   Then there are the fringe benefits such as free meals (and drinks, woohoo!), a barrage of compliments and the opportunity to bang pretty much anything bipedal. But all these can get old in no time. Humans are by nature very social beings. No matter how much we enjoy the liberty, sooner or later we will long for more meaningful and stable interpersonal connections. 

   Unless you're a sociopath, then that's a different story. 

   Ready to form a social bond? Looking for a potential mate? Feeling the need for belongingness?   Want to have someone who would patiently listen to your whining? Read on. This strategy has been proven highly effective. For reals.  



1. Get a dog.

Dogs are beyond adorable. It's hard to resist their jovial innocence and their puppy eyes. Their playfulness is contagious and can easily bring a smile to someone's face. You can't help but go "awwww" when you see one happily trotting by. Only monsters can be oblivious to their cuteness.

If you are a monster, you probably deserve to be forever alone.






2. Feed dog.

This is VERY important. If you don't feed it, it will die. REMEMBER: Dead dogs can't help you get laid (Well, actually it can. But you can only go as far as pity sex. Pity sex is... pitiful. Don't stoop that low. You deserve better).

Do your best in keeping doggo in tiptop shape. Pamper it. Love it. Make sure its vaccines are up to date. Give it belly rubs and doggie biscuits. It's your wingman. You're supposed to look after your wingman because who else will ensure you won't die alone?

No one.

Nobody likes you except your dog.

And your cat hates you with a passion, FYI.



3. Walk dog.

You need to get out there in order to kickstart your game. Leave your laptop alone, for goodness' sake.  Asa Akira and Sasha Grey DO NOT count as potential mates. Have realistic standards, man!

Extra brownie points if you make doggo wear something cute like a bow tie or a unicorn horn. It makes you look more approachable and quadruples your attractiveness.



4. Watch.

You don't even have to do anything. Prospects will be all over you (and your dog). They will swarm you, like flies to poop.

Also, having a dog indicates your sense of responsibility and empathy. If you're a guy with a dog, you're like a walking advertisement for commitment. It screams: "HERE I AM WITH AN ENDEARING FLUFFY POOP MACHINE. I WANNA BE YOUR BABYDADDY!!!".  It's also a proof that you have the resources and the inclination to care for someone. Sexy AF!

If you're a girl, well, it just makes you look cuter. So cute, in fact, that people would want to throw you in the fire. (Wait, WUT?)






5. Reward dog.

Congratulations! Celebrate your success and revel in the possibility of your genitals not shrivelling up and dying due to years of non-use. Also, give your dog a treat. The little pimp cupid deserves it.

Please keep in mind, however, that when people approach you and doggo and go all "Oooohh.. cute puppy! How old is he/she? What's his/her name? Is it okay to pet him/her?", take it for what it is. It does not translate to  "ZOMG, you have a dog. Let's have casual sex. Right here, right now!"

No. Just no. Don't be a creep.


You're welcome.





NOTE: Can't own a dog? I provide puppy rental services. Fill in the contact form and I'll get back to you with a quotation. 



First!



I remember creating my beloved ex-blog years ago because I wanted to lose the weight I gained over the holidays (I remember fondly calling the excess lbs. "Holiday Fats" which could be a great name for a band, if you think about it). Being the modern woman that I was (and still am!), I took advantage of internet. I simply could have exercised and observed my caloric intake quietly, but noooo...

At this day and age, why should you do things in private when you can over share? Don't achievements feel somewhat empty when you can't broadcast them? The fact that pretty much everyone around you doesn't care in the slightest matters not.  Compliments are a powerful motivator, sincere or fake. Most of us desire to be liked after all. It's human nature. And humans, like most life-forms, will eventually deteriorate and die (well that escalated quickly). But I digress.

That said blog has long been nuked from the face of the interwebz, but it was fun while it lasted.

And now here I am. Again. I would like to give blogging another shot because I want to troll to post my OOTDs (Outfit of the Day, in case you are living under a rock). I didn't buy all these clothes for nothing. It would be a shame if I didn't curate photos of them.


Also, I need a valid reason to wear pants.